Forty Things I Learned By 40

The weirdest week of the year - hands-down - lies between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve. Like, what day of the week even is it? Do I need to change into a fresh pair of daytime PJ's? Should I Google juice fast companies or crack open another bottle of Baileys Almande? This time, however, instead of curling up into a ball of Dorito-crumbed perplexity, something of personal significance happened: I turned forty. The day before my birthday, I was a sprightly thirty-something with my whole life ahead of me; the next, I was straddling the hallway point, holding two hot pink numerical balloons to show everyone that this was the intermission of my life.

In the preceding days, I became gripped by the realisation that my life would not go on indefinitely. I wondered whether I had done enough - been enough - to justify the four decades I had spent on the planet. And so, much in the vein of quadragenarian bloggers before me, I have penned a short list of things I wish my 20-year old self had known. In twenty years' time, my sixty-year old self will probably look back and chuckle at all the things I currently don't know. Anyway, here goes for now...

1.Don't give too much credence to what other people might think about you.

So many of us spend large swathes of our teens, twenties and thirties fretting about the hypothetical opinions that other people *might* have if we decide to raise our head above the parapet. Internet stalkers aside, most people are far too busy with their own lives to really pay attention to what you're doing. Truthfully, nobody gives a f*ck. Most people are so tired, so challenged and so focused upon their own survival that they don’t care if you move house, upgrade your car or change career. If you want to offer a service, achieve something wonderful or help others to do the same, you may have to risk some personal discomfort and be prepared to 'fail' publicly a few times. But, repeated failure  leads to experience and experience becomes judgment, which leads to eventual success. You'll notice that the only people who get a kick out of criticising others are those who are privately unhappy, disillusioned or disappointed with some aspect of their own lives. It's easy for spectators to judge what's happening on the pitch, but it takes real courage to get out there and play. Everyone's a critic these days, and why? Because there's zero risk when someone looks down from the relative safety of their ivory tower, throwing shade on someone who is vulnerable and trying. So, ignore the two or three imaginary critics living in your head and put yourself out there, before you live to regret never having tried. As the old adage goes: a ship is safe in the port, but that's not what ships are built for.

2. Be selective with whom you share your energy.

Do you know those people who drain your energy? The people who only seem to ring or visit you in order to moan about life, complain and generally offload a dumper truck of invisible emotional slurry all over you? Guess what? You don't have to spend time with them. You don't have to have a relationship with someone, just because they are in your family or friendship group; and certainly not because you'd feel guilty if there was nobody there to mop up their problems like some kind of emotional sponge. For some reason, most humans over the age of eight years old struggle to say the word 'no'. We are the only species to ignore our gut instincts in order to let others take advantage of us, then moan about it afterwards. Here's the deal: you aren't a living battery: unplug other people's unwanted tentacles from your energy field and step away. Establish personal boundaries and don't compromise your divine energy in order to people-please. Enabling bad behaviour just to keep the peace is draining and unnecessary. You don't have to live this way. Cut ties, shout 'toodeloo' and walk away, or at least retreat to a safe distance where you can protect your energy and give it to others who may appreciate such and benefit more.

3. As Jenny Lind (the Greatest Showman) said, your station in life is limited only by your imagination.

You can absolutely find happiness as a travel blogger, a yoga teacher or a global influencer without a shred of mainstream school education. You can have twenty successive careers, plus a different hobby each month if you want to. If you are tenacious, spontaneous, curious and adaptable, choose to see those qualities as positives. Don't fall for the old 'Jack of all trades' metaphor, which is usually uttered patronisingly by someone who has lived their own personal Groundhog Day, over and over again for five decades. These days, the Internet and relative ease of international travel has levelled the playing field: you can be whoever - and do whatever you want - if only you have the courage to strike out and try.

4. The Universe is not going to hand-deliver your life purpose anytime soon.

I'm all for positive thinking and have had a fair few dalliances with the law of attraction over the years. I'm sure it works for some people, but from my own experience, when you invoke the magic of #askbelievereceive, you are simply setting a goal and/or intention very clearly and as a result become very focused upon it. Looking back, I'm not convinced that the universe has ever sent a courier to deliver me anything that I didn't work hard for. Giving my copies of Rhonda Byrne's The Secret, The Magic and The Power to the charity shop - each new release bought with an increased sense of frustration and incredulity at my inability to get in touch with 'the Universe' - was a liberating experience. Such freed me from the shackles of wondering why some people's lives are a hotbed of incredible synchronicities, whilst mine only seemed to 'work' when I did.

5. Friendships are a two-way street

Every so often, you reach a vantage point in your life, where you take stock of where you are on your journey and who is along for the ride. In the weeks approaching the big four-oh, I started fretting about who would make the time and effort to celebrate with me - especially given the inconvenience of a Christmas birthday (thanks mum, *insert rolling eye emoji*). As a lifelong people-pleaser, I was a dependable 'turner-upper' at other people's celebrations, but felt unfathomably uncomfortable about having the spotlight turned on myself.

Doing tonnes of free work for Facebook acquaintances so as not to upset them by saying 'no' seemed perfectly acceptable, but the hopeful expectation that my own friends would *shock, horror* buy me a birthday card, or God forbid, drive to see me - sent me into a mild state of existential angst! I'd never felt like this before - was I having some sort of breakdown?! Being forty is a cinch, but turning forty was an incredibly stressful experience, which exposed many of my vulnerabilities; especially in relation to my friendships. The core of the human condition is to give and receive love; to build others up and to feel supported. Was I loved? 

In many ways, the halfway point became a great leveller; an unexpected revealer of truths. Whilst some might call a big birthday trifling and irrelevant, it somehow felt like a tree-shaker - a surprising and liberating juncture to put down anything that no longer served me, and pay more attention to people and situations that felt more balanced. I gave myself permission to honour boundaries needed for self-care. Also, I realised that being dependable and a resource to others is not the same as being valued: true friendships are based upon mutual effort and affection. If you lean back and the other person consistently doesn't lean forwards, it's OK to lovingly withdraw your energy, blow that person a kiss and walk away. 

6. Nobody is normal. There is no normal. 

When I was at school, I had this crazy idea that everyone else was normal and I wasn't. I felt like an imposter; an interloper, faking my way through life whilst everyone else seemed to be gliding through the years so effortlessly. It never occurred to me that behind closed doors, other people were involved in their own private struggles. I have spent many years in jobs or professions where people have revealed their deepest, darkest secrets to me. As a result, my barometer of 'normality' has gone out of the window. I've come to realise that we're all on some spectrum or other. We're all the product of an imperfect upbringing. Everyone's parents screwed them up somehow. Most people have been affected and changed by life's events. However, the by-product of trauma is incredible creativity and often, a deep empathy that forges strong human connections. When you look at the people who are changing the world, they are extraordinary, unusual, unreasonable and eccentric: everything but normal. So, embrace your weirdness and give a two-finger salute to anyone who raises their eyebrows at you. You're not on this planet to appease the judgment of others, full stop.

7. Healing is hard. Personal growth is painful. Read that again.

Everyone has been through something bad. Some of your closest friends and family members will have considered suicide, have suffered sexual or physical abuse, or right now, are in an abusive relationship that you have no idea about. Lots of people have lost children or suffered miscarriages. Many have debilitating diseases and illnesses, but still have to face the day, and take care of others. Most of us have been hurt, betrayed or abandoned by someone we loved. Everyone's parents screwed up at some point. Eventually, once you're well into adulthood, the responsibility of healing lies 100% with you. Yes, it's not fair (see point 10). Don't fight yourself through other people as a way of dealing with your unresolved sh*t. It's not fair. Getting older is inevitable, but growth is a choice. It bloody well hurts to face up to your flaws and foibles, but you're a grown adult with resources at your fingertips and you should, in my opinion, absolutely prioritise healing over having a big TV, a flashy car or a home extension; especially if you have, or come into regular contact with children.

8. Worrying and overthinking is like praying for bad things to happen.

Most of the tragedies in my life have existed only in my head. I have rehearsed many a conversation that didn't happen. I've anticipated wildly negative outcomes and fretted over the most anguished scenarios, only for things to turn out OK. I'm an over-thinker, which has been extremely helpful when prepping courtroom trials, but not so great when analysing the latest family disagreement or a social media comment that *seemed* to be about me. Take control of situations early doors if you think there's a chance you're only going to worry about it. Most people are conflict-avoidant, which causes them to jump to conclusions and become unnecessarily upset about things that haven't actually happened. Speak up, use your voice, ask questions and clarify situations: then, you can offload 80% of your stress and focus on the 20% of situations which actually require you to show concern.

9. Don't stay in a bad relationship.

Ever. You can't love someone better: you can't erase your partner's bad childhood by anticipating their rages, passive-aggressive games or tiring periods of gaslighting. Take it from someone who has tried incredibly hard to love a broken person or two: unless they are prepared to put in the work, engage in healing or face up to their misgivings, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help them. I recall sitting in a relationship counsellor's office two decades ago, waiting for a particularly troubled partner to attend our session, to discuss how we could work together to help him overcome his violent rages. After half an hour, the therapist looked at me sympathetically, and said 'Don't you think that this, in itself, is a sign that you need to stop trying to help him? He can't even help himself.' I didn't want to listen and muddled on for another miserable year, before he finally got someone else pregnant. Looking back, it was a blessed relief - the best thing that could have ever happened to a naïve 22-year old who thought that love would conquer all his demons. Empaths try to fix our own childhoods vicariously, through the pursuit of relationships with emotionally unavailable people, who create the same feelings of chronic deficiency and uncertainty that we felt back then. My advice is this: when you are hurting, you should be healing, not dating, and certainly not putting down roots in a relationship with the wrong person. I'm very fortunate to have a wonderful longstanding partner, but I know for certain that such wouldn't have been possible before doing considerable work on myself. If you're going to love someone better, make sure it's you!

10. Life isn’t fair.

One of my best friends secretly trolled me online multiple times over the course of a year because, (I presume), she was upset that I got a placement that she didn't. I've been sacked from at least two jobs through standing up for others, who were being treated unfairly by management. The Criminal Bar was hit by financial cuts so deep, that English and Welsh barristers went on strike for the first time in 800 years, just as I went into self-employed practice, resulting in a huge loss of work and ultimately bankruptcy. None of this was fair. However, what I lost through a lack of fairness, I gained in character. The sooner that you learn and accept that there is no independent adjudicator who will give you a free kick when someone is offside, the sooner you will stop feeling as if life is happening to you, rather than for you. Change your perspective and you can turn life's great rejections into some of your most momentous redirections towards a better life.

Oh, and a final bonus point: at forty, I ditched the high heels and started dressing for comfort, and lemme tell you: once you reach that level of personal liberation, there is no going back, my friend. :-) Thanks for reading.

Steph.